Breaking the Stigma
Jessica Sunday
Honestly, I don't know when I will feel brave enough to share this blog post with the public, but I know my blog has reached people because it comes from a genuine heart of authenticity. With that, it is not the easiest thing to be vulnerable; however, I realize the importance of being real so that it can be a help and benefit to others.
It was a long time coming, but I finally reached out for help. I had scheduled a doctor's appointment for something that was going on physically with my body, and I started to shatter... I broke down in tears in the office. I was at a point of vulnerability. I sobbed. I opened up. I was honest. I had a coming to Jesus moment in my life. We all know our mental health can affect our physical well-being, but who really likes to admit that they have mental struggles? All I know is that my hand would stay down if I was asked this in a crowd of people. Most people do not like to admit those things.
I was told that day in the office that I had Major Depressive Disorder. That sunk deep. You see, I always knew there was something wrong. To make myself feel better, I called those moments of lows in my life "ruts" because I surely did not have depression. Not me, I thought! I always try to encourage others. I love sharing smiles and giving embracing hugs to people. Small acts of kindness for others is one of my hobbies, I suppose. Singing in worship at my church lifts my heart. Being a cardiac nurse is one of my purposes here and now. Really, Jess ... why?
I finally heard those words that I had in the back of my mind for awhile. It was a lot to take in, but it was such a freeing experience. On top of that, I felt heard. I was not written off. Someone took the time to talk with me and discuss options. It took a lot of courage for me to finally seek help - to have finally come to my breaking point. I am not sure what exactly that "breaking point" was for me, but I am glad I broke down in that office that day.
As a healthcare worker, I felt embarrassed of myself that I needed help. I am in the business of helping others. Actually, I always loved helping others. Now, I just get to do it on the daily for my career. It really is a beautiful thing. Because I help others, I had a hard time coming to grips that I needed help myself. I am okay if others deal with this. I will not judge because I loved working in mental health before I became a cardiac nurse. Maybe I have this mantra that healthcare workers are protected from all diseases because they deal with the angel of death for their patients. I know that sounds unrealistic because it is unrealistic. So, maybe there is someone out there that has depression or a different mental illness who is reading this or perhaps there is someone out there reading this that needs to come forward and have a heart-to-heart with their doctor. Whatever the case, I pray that sharing this helps break the stigma of mental health. I am not depression; I have depression.
Remember, it is okay not to be okay.
P.S. These were photos from the day I found out.
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
I Peter 5:7
