Beautifully Broken

Beautifully Broken 

Jessica Sunday 

I look at the title I just gave this blog post, and I am not quite sure myself how something can be beautifully broken. I think it is one of those things where you may be completely broken now and in the process of becoming beautifully broken. If that is the case, I am there right now. This post is going to put my brokenness, vulnerabilities, doubts, fears, cares, and tears smothered on my sleeve. I often think it is better to use one's brokenness for the betterment of someone else. When you share your brokenness sometimes other people's brokenness heals, sometimes perspective is placed back into focus, and often times it acts as a healing for your own soul. 

Recently, I did the hardest thing I was ever asked to do. Usually God tells me I can go on mission trips, or He has me walking through open doors. He does not usually tell me that a door is going to close in my life or even to surrender something to Him. I guess I never really knew how hard it was to obey God when quite honestly, I just did not want to obey Him. I mean, He was crazy! He was asking me to give something in my life over to Him. There you have it. I did not want to obey the One who holds my life in His hands, the One who knows my future, the One who can heal the brokenhearted - I did not want to obey Him. So, for my days of reflecting, prayer, seeking godly counsel, and reading God's Word, I was battling between the flesh and the Spirit - my desires and God's desires - my wants but God's needs for my life - my good but God's greater good. It was messy. I had everything I needed staring in my face to obey God, yet I was in denial and trying to justify why it could continue. Tell me I am not alone in this. 

The short version of this messy journey was that God was asking me to surrender my relationship over to Him. God, why are you asking me to give you my first ever relationship? You know it only took me 22 years to go on my first date. Why are You taking something from me that I would fight over-and-over to have? God, I do not understand! The honest reality was that I allowed myself to stay in denial of what He was asking me to do until I realized the beauty in obeying God. You do not always know God's best for your life even though you would like to believe you do. You do not see the whole portrait of what God has for your life, but He does. Sometimes you see what He wants you to see (like the portrait above). I have to trust that through this brokenness God will make things beautiful. God, I do not understand. I surrendered my relationship, and the man I care about does not even want to be my friend. God, you can take my relationship away, but You knew that the friendship would be broken. So, why, God would you make me suffer like this? You know how much friendships mean to me!  I have to trust that one day God will make a beautiful tapestry of my life and mend together a friendship that I had with this amazing person. 

Can I leave you with this? God may want to stretch you in ways that are uncomfortable and quite honestly in ways that you want to block out His voice. That, my friend, is very dangerous. He may be asking you to surrender something in your life right now. It might be a relationship, a career, a ministry, or that something that you would do anything for not to let go of. When you seek God, He will show you what you need to see, and He may ask you to surrender everything you ever wanted. Are you willing? You are not alone. After this occurs, He will send you confirmation that you have made the right decision. Sometimes it will be slow and other times that confirmation comes fast. In my case, that confirmation came fast. Even though I had confirmation, I began to doubt again. As if that confirmation was not clear, God sent me confirmation through all the Sunday services and special music yesterday. Brokenness is hard, but God is so God. He has plans for our lives that we may not understand now, but He will reveal in His time. Obeying God is not always easy, but it is the safest thing you can do. I believe that I serve a God of restoration, and if He mends this one day, great. If not, He is still good, and that is okay to. A sign of true surrender is when you can say, "Not my will, but thy will be done." It is surrender when you can look into his eyes and say, "I would have never traded this brokenness if that meant you would come to Jesus Christ." It is surrender when you can be fine one day but flooded in your tears the next because surrendering is not easy, but God will see you through. I need to be content with that. 

"He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds."

Psalm 147: 3