When You Let Your Perfectionism Define Who You Are

When You Let Your Perfectionism 

Define Who You Are

by Jessica Sunday 

The truth is, I know I am not perfect, yet I have a tendency to label myself as a perfectionist. If you have known me for any length of time,  I am sure you have seen this characteristic evident in my life. Ask my friends I graduated with, and they would be the first to attest that I am. I always thought being a perfectionist was a good thing, but lately, I think it is more of a curse. Nursing school has helped start tearing down the walls of perfectionism, but sometimes it creeps back in. Actually, it has recently, and I would like to share how. 

About three weeks ago, I got my maternity exam grade back, and instead of accepting people's "congratulations," I was quick to let them know I could have done better. Of course I thanked them for their prayers, but in the back of my mind, my score was not good enough to me. No, I needed more cushion before I entered the next six weeks of the medical surgical material. Afterall, I prepared the best I could for this exam and prayer was all around it. So, why would I not score higher? Had I forgotten that I committed this exam over to God earlier that morning? 

This perfectionism that crept in that day robbed me of fully trusting God in surrender of what I thought I prayed for earlier. I let this perfectionism, my score, define who I was, and lastly, I let pride take residence in my heart. Instead of quickly thanking God for allowing me to miss the exact amount of points I needed to miss to pass, I allowed the Giant of Perfectionism whisper that I was not good enough or smart enough. Furthermore, I set a goal that if I passed my exam I would get my hair done over spring break, but I had second thoughts when my passing grade did not match what I had anticipated. 

People who are "perfectionists" can agree that it is an endless vicious cycle of trying to be flawless. We do not want to be vulnerable in our weaknesses, especially in nursing school. Too much is on the line. Yes, we learn from our mistakes, but we have a hard time accepting other's encouragement when we fall short of our goals. For the perfectionists out there, this is unhealthy to cultivate in our lives. May we learn to speak words of affirmation into our lives. May we live in the Lord's strength day-by-day. May we thank the people who encourage us because we really do need it. To the people out there who have encouraged me or my other fellow perfectionists, "Sorry for not always being the best at accepting your encouragement or congratulations. I am a working progress ready and capable of tearing my walls of perfectionism." I am ready to throw this perfectionism away for a greater purpose because in my weakness, He is made strong. He will equip me for what I am called to do. He will help me replace perfectionism with affirmations, prayers, purpose, faith, and reflection. A reflection of what? A reflection of His glory. So, my last words I would say are: Out with perfectionism and in with purpose. 

"And he said unto me, "My grace is sufficient for thee: 

for my strength is made perfect in weakness. ..."

 - II Cor. 12: 9 

The Purpose in Repetition

The Purpose in Repetition 

by Jessica Sunday 

I do not know about you, but repeating things is not something I am inclined to doing. Unless, of course, it is repeating an unforgettable trip. There are usually three main reasons as to why we do not like to repeat things. Repeating things often requires more time, money, and energy. Being a college student, I get depleted of those things quickly. Nonetheless, I found myself searching for the purpose of repetition. Repetition may not be what we had planned in our journey, but it is often necessary. Here's my story. 

In the fall of 2016 I started off on a journey that would require much dedication, energy, patience, and every ounce of motivation to keep me going. This journey would require God's strength, many prayers, coffee, and sanity. Yes, this was the beginning of nursing school as we know it. Finals came quickly, and I passed my first semester. It was an exhilarating feeling! Then, Christmas break passed, and it was the beginning of the second semester. This semester was fast paced, exhausting, and was literally the monster I imagined as a little girl I hide from under my bed. There are no nice words to insert here other than that I failed this semester by two points. 

I got over this disappointment in time, and I found myself rerouting the journey I had already mapped out. However, instead of my GPS saying, "You have reached your destination," it read, "Detour ahead." Now what? What was I supposed to tell all the people cheering me on in support of my dreams? Was I a disappointment now? Time passed, and I began to encounter people at church as well as other places in my life. People I did not even know knew that I was in nursing school came up to me saying, "Aren't you the girl in nursing school"? "I'm praying for you." "When do you graduate"? All I wanted to do in that moment was hide under a rock. The only words I could utter were the basic answers to those questions. Yes, I am in nursing school. Thank you so much for your prayers, and I was supposed to graduate next year but instead I have to repeat my second semester of nursing school. 

So, how can someone who has invested so much of her time, energy, and money find purpose in repetition? Yeah, you guessed it! I am repeating my second semester of nursing school this semester! It is not an easy adjustment for me at all. I am repeating all of the long clinical days, the lack of sleep, the lectures, the labs, the rising stress levels, the coffee IV's (my nurse brothers and sisters will know what I mean), and the projects. This would have been the year I graduated, but  God saw fit to send me on a detour. And you know what? That is just fine. Why? because His ways are higher than my ways. He holds my future, and He is so graciously teaching me things through this process. There are things that have already happened this semester that I would have not otherwise gotten to experience had I not repeated. I had the privilege of going to Children's Hospital something we did not do last year. I have a new clinical group I would have never met had I not repeated. This group is my new family that I pray I can be a blessing to as we serve others on our clinical. I will encounter new patients that may need my loving touch that I would have not otherwise met. You see, the detours life takes you on is not always fun. There are some bumps, curves, and even some potholes on the road, but in those times of construction, are the times where you will be stretched. When I got my focus off of myself in the why I have to repeat, that is when I found the why I get to repeat. I get to repeat to gain more knowledge, understanding, and grasp of the material; however, I also get to repeat to reach more people I would have not otherwise been able to reach. 

Have you been struggling with finding your purpose in repetition? Life is full of turns and sometimes it leaves us fearful and unsure. Remember, we are not called to fear. We are called to trust in God's plan for our lives, and if that means Him leading us on a detour, that is perfectly fine. Find the purpose in repetition because maybe someone needs you or maybe someone needs to see the light within you. I would like to come alongside you if you are feeling discouraged, weak, depressed, sad, broken, or hurt. I would like to pray for you and get to know you. Let me encourage you to send me an email or a message so I can do that for you. May this be a blessing to someone today. 

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8 

My 2017 Commitment to Myself

My 2017 Commitment to Myself 

Jessica Sunday

1. I will strive to have a closer relationship with the Lord.
2. I will passionately pursue the career the Lord wants me in.
3. I will give nursing a second chance, and I will work hard at it.
4. I will limit distractions.
5. I will save financially.
6. I will travel more, and embrace new opportunities.
7. I will not be bound by other’s expectations of me. I am relentless.
8. I will purposefully plan my days.
9. I will wake up early.
10. I will be a motivator and share words of encouragement.
11. I will build others up while I build my empire of success.
12. I will crush health and nutrition goals.
13. I will be the best coach and mentor I can be.
14. I will not listen to the lies of the Enemy.
15. I will live an abundant life.
16. I will know my worth.
17. I will not settle for someone who is not spiritually compatible for me.
18. I will be satisfied single, and if God wills a relationship this year, I will not be scared.
19. I will learn to say no to people.
20. I will continue to give wholeheartedly at my job.
21. I will choose to love the unlovely.
22. I will not be confined to my environment. I will branch out. I will be bold. I will say goodbye to my comfort zone.
23. I will not be intimidated by people’s rejections they speak to me.
24. I will not allow those words to penetrate my heart. I will walk away and immediately give them over to my Heavenly Father.
25. I will set the pace.
26. I will work behind the scenes in order to set the stage.
27. I will reach more people through this blog.
28. I will begin writing a devotional book.
29. I will go back to Israel, and find a way to work with cufi this summer.
30. I will aim high and speak affirmations to myself daily.
31. I will pray before I slay my day.
32. I will own my days.
33. I will not be overcome with setbacks.
34. I will not allow failure to disappoint me for it is only failure if you give up and didn’t try.
35. I will not allow nursing to define who I am.
36. I will not allow people to walk over me.
37. I will not succumb to the low levels of nonnegotiable people.
38. I will not allow people and the Devil to speak defeat into my life. I will listen to the still small voice of Jesus as He speaks victory into my life.
39. I will let my dry bones awake and revive.
40. I will try my best and let God do the rest. I will not get too stressed to forget how blessed I truly am.

Reject or Relentless

Jessica Sunday

"You're a reject." That very word sunk deep into my heart and buried itself even deeper into my thoughts. The insecurity I felt in that moment overwhelmed me like a shadow falling heavy around me. It set in. The insecurity of believing this lie shattered my heart for these words were spoken by someone I love. A question lingered within me. How could someone who provides for me speak such hurt into my life? This two syllable word echoed back to me with rage, doubt, and rejection... 'reject, reject, reject.' I knew this wasn't true, but why did I start believing this lie? 

It was not long before I let it eat at me. I think now I know what the problem was. I had lost focus that my Heavenly Father - my Abba Father - does not label me in such a derogatory way. No. He calls me chosen, called out, sent forth, daughter, virtuous, and relentless (Okay, maybe relentless is not found in the Bible. I am not actually sure), but I know with your Father God you can be relentless). I am working hard to speak this affirmation to the deepest places of my heart - that I am relentless - that even when the closest people in your life spew words of rejection at you, you are more than capable of being and becoming relentless. It may be a process of becoming relentless because you need to weed out  doubts, fears, cares, tears, and rejection from your life. Do not lose hope. You will find your way, and when you do, you will be so glad looking back that you have decided to become relentless rather than resorting to the lie of rejection. You are not a reject. I am not a reject. I am relentless. You are relentless. 

Here are some ways we can be relentless in the midst of rejection: 

• Talk to your Heavenly Father, and ask for His healing. 
• Meditate on truths from God's Word. 
• Speak words of affirmation into your life. 
• Try not to dwell on the rejection, and surround yourself with people who know your worth. 
• Pray for the person causing you grief. 

Have you found yourself believing the lies of rejection? Find your comfort in the One who knows your every longing and desires to fulfill your biggest dreams. With Him, He will make you relentless. You will form an unbreakable bond with your Heavenly Father that no man can break. 

The Heart of Thankfulness

The Heart of Thankfulness

Jessica Sunday 

Tomorrow is indeed Thanksgiving, and we have a lot to be thankful for. We also must not forget who we ought to be thankful to. In the midst of the Thanksgiving tradition you may be familiar with - yes, the one where your family goes around the table and states something they are thankful for, we must not forget to whom our blessings come from - Jesus Christ. Now, I can name a plethora of things I am truly blessed with; however, I will save you from reading that list. I do, however, want to focus on the many who may not have friends and family to celebrate such a joyous holiday. 

Christ did not just choose to give us abundant blessings to  tightly grip onto. He gave them to us so that those blessings might just pour bountifully into the lives of others. The heart of thankfulness is giving. I mean, that is what the word "thanksgiving" consists of - { thanks and giving} That is just it! When we are thankful, we give, or at least we should. 

Who is it in your life that you know could use some "giving"? Who is it that you are called to love tomorrow? Before you gather with friends and family, think of that one person you can bring a little Thanksgiving to and see what the Lord might do through you. It is not too late to be a blessing. Pray for the person that came to mind, and be a blessing. If that means picking up the phone and inviting that person for Thanksgiving dinner, helping at a mission, sending a card,  or preparing a plate of food for them tomorrow - do it. Tomorrow will pass, and the rush of Black Friday will consume many, but carry this thankfulness and giving to others beyond this weekend. Have a lovely Thanksgiving! 

"O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good: for his mercy endureth forever." {Psalm 118:29}

Critics and Picket Fences

Critics and Picket Fences 

Jessica Sunday

Let's face it. We all have critics. I'm not talking about those professors or friends of yours who offer constructive criticism either. No, we all need that. We all must accept that; however, I am speaking of those people in your life that just want to tear you down. These are the people who want to try to find every flaw about you and shine the spotlight on each one of them. 
I have many flaws. 

I am not intimidated by that fact. Why? I am not called to live in my flaws; I am called to live in the forgiveness that I was offered. The truth is, we will never be flawless. Never. However, in the sanctification Christ has us in, we ought to be becoming more like Him. Yeah, we will have our flaws, but we understand that we do not need to define ourselves by them. He has freed us to live in the fullness of Him. We should learn from our flaws and use them to glorify God by testifying to others how you have experienced victory from a certain flaw that Christ refined. As much as we live in this truth, there are people out there that want to pinpoint your every flaw. Instead of letting them get the victory in that, put up your picket fence. Take a stance, and live in victory of what Christ has begun in you. 

"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:" - Phil. 1:6

Do not build that picket fence to isolate yourself from everyone around you. Build this fence around your heart to protect you from the hurt critics will bring into your life. By building this protective barrier, you choose to say no to opening up hurt, assumptions, rejections, and self-doubt. If you are not careful, this cycle of saying yes to critics by not surrounding your heart with a picket fence will eat at you every time critics strike you until one day you are left torn down not living loved by a lovely Savior. You must choose in these moments of building to surround yourself with people who see you living in the Truth of God's goodness in your life. Be authentic. Be real. 

Another hard truth is that critics usually can see how authentic you really are, how real you are with people, how compassionate you are, how loving you are, and how you really do have a genuine relationship with your Lord. No, you do not claim to be perfect, but you claim the perfect plan God has for you. In that, you find you are more than enough in God's tender care. You realize that His love, His insight, and His thoughts concerning your life are enough. You are now free from the rope of rejection, jealousy, pride, and doubt you were once entangled in. This changes you. You now choose to be entangled in Christ's loving arms of comfort, peace, security, (agape) love, and mercy. 

The next time your critics seek to destroy the walls of your heart by stating you are not "cut out" to do something, you are not good enough because _____________, you are too ________,  take a deep look within, humble yourself, and rest assured that you already have that picket fence built. Choose to love instead of react in the moment. Choose to offer grace instead of voicing regrettable words. Choose to offer mercy instead of brimstone judgment. Extend a forgiving spirit (Eph. 4:32), a loving prayer (Matt. 5:44), and a peaceful heart (Rom. 12:18; II Cor. 13:11). Purpose in your heart not to be defined by hurtful side comments that are exposed right among the presence of your friends, by insecurities that they think you have, by remarks of conceit and lies, or by any other hurt you have experienced by your critics. Hurt cuts so deep that it can cause an infection, but determine to bandage that wound up and live in the authority of God's perfect purpose for your life. Remember, there are many who love, appreciate, and need your genuine presence in their lives! 

Living Loved in an Unlovely World

              

Living Loved in an Unlovely World 

            
          Jessica Sunday 

I believe living loved entails a lot, but one thing it requires is utmost honesty. I find it hard in my own life to live loved when around me is an unlovely world that has the mentality of "Every man for himself." Some may like to call it a "Dog eat dog" world. When it all comes down to it, there is a sense that everyone needs to find satisfaction in the next best thing. We need to be better than the next person. We need to give more money to a charity than the next person. So, the vicious cycle continues. As if finding the next best, being better, or giving more than the next person is going to fill that void of living loved. So, people continue to search for love in their career, hobby, relationship, or even the applause of others around them. However, living loved is not defined by these things. We must go a step further and understand what living loved entails. 

Living loved calls us to contentment.  There is nothing more draining than comparing ourselves to others. We try to match up to our perception of somebody else. We may even go so far as to act, dress, or become like the person who we think is by far more __________ than us. Take this time to fill in the blank. Some may fill it in with words such as beautiful, intelligent, skinny, athletic, positive, hilarious, muscular, or wealthy. Without realizing it, we fall victim to living less instead of living loved. Why? We are not called to compare; we are called to contentment  (Phil. 4:11; I Thess.6:6) . The beautiful thing is that we are all blessed in different ways, and we should be content with that. God loves us so much that He calls His sons and daughters  beautiful, chosen, set apart, and very good (Gen. 1:31). When we discredit what we were created to be, we discredit the Master who so carefully formed us in His own image. Once we find peace with contentment, we will be on our way to living loved by a lovely God.

Living loved calls us to acceptance. Currently I am reading a book that I think was written for me. It is entitled, Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely. I highly recommend reading this book. It is shaping me, but this is where the phrase "living loved" spoke to me. So, I continue to brainstorm how I need to live loved in my life. Thus, living loved calls us to acceptance. Sure, it is easy to live loved when everyone else around is loving you, adoring you, complimenting you, and cheering you on. Let alone commenting and liking everything on your social media outlet, right? Then there are other days when living loved is not so easy. We have all heard people say or have perhaps said this ourselves: "It's just one of those days." In the back of our minds we are saying : It's just one of those days where ___________ (Fill in the blank).  One of those days where... people are out to get me, my children are not listening to me, my professor's expectations of me are impossible, my finances are quickly emptying, or how about this one, she must have meant such-and-such by saying it with this face, this tone, and this body language. The truth of the matter is that living loved is not tied to rejection. In essence, when we reject ourselves we live like others are rejecting us as well. That is just not the case. Plus, if that said individual is rejecting you, most likely that person is not living loved themselves. Learn to accept yourself and, accept the fact that the scenarios we create are not accurate. So, once we have acceptance of ourselves and others, we leave no room to be choked out by rejection.

Living loved calls us to joy. Not everything in life is going to make you happy, but it is possible to choose joy in the midst of the craziness. Happiness and joy are two different concepts. Happiness is dependent on the circumstances around you, but joy is defined by the life of an individual who has faith that God is in control. Joy flows out of this person having confidence in her Lord (II Cor. 6:4-10).  She does not let the world steal her joy but rather gives it freely to herself and the ones around her. Choose joy in the midst of trials because those trials may not make you happy because what is happening around you, but that joy will give you overwhelming peace about the situation. Remember, that true peace and joy comes from Christ. When we choose to live loved, we choose joy.

Living loved calls us to honesty. At the beginning of this entry, I mentioned that living loved requires utmost honesty. Not only does it require us to be honest about how we are living loved in contentment, acceptance, and joy, but also it requires us to be honest about believing the truth versus believing the lies. What lies am I talking about? If you are anything like me, it is easy for us to believe the lies of society, Satan, and others. This background noise blasts its speakers into our already confusing, busy, and amazing lives. It blares lies of self-doubt and defeat. There is a lie of not being "cut out" for something. So, we turn up the volume and listen intently when people say ever so loudly - You are not the ________ type (Fill in the blank). You are not the traveling type, you are not the scientific type, and you are definitely not the leadership type. You are not cut out for this line of work. You are not cut out to complete this task. You are just blatantly over your head. We must purpose in our hearts to not just go as far as turning down the volume of such lies. We must decide to turn off the radio. We must turn it to a different station - the station of Truth. I am talking about Jesus because Jesus is truth, and He has a lot to say about who we are and what we are capable of. Jesus says we can do all things through Him (Phil. 4:13). He tells us that if we delight ourselves in Him, He will give us our desires (Psalm 37:4). When the world wants to drain you with evil and discouraging words, Christ reminds us that  He does not think evil towards us. He thinks of prospering thoughts of peace toward us (Jer. 29:11). In II Timothy 1:7, Jesus tells us that He does not give us the spirit of fear. He gives us power, love, and a sound mind! We do not have to be afraid of difficult tasks. We have Christ on our side, and that should be sufficient because if Christ is for us, who can be against us? (Rom. 8:31). I want to leave you with this verse in Philippians 4:8 to combat the lies and replace them with truth.

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."

Let me invite you to live loved in an unlovely world. Together let us live in contentment, acceptance, joy, and honesty of what Christ has called us to. Let us rid ourselves of the comparisons, rejections, and lies. Remember what we are called to instead of living captive to the "unlovely" strongholds in our lives. Let us be known to be living loved by a lovely God.