Dear Nursing School

Dear Nursing School 

Jessica Sunday 

If anyone has not noticed yet, I am addressing this blog to what I have dedicated the past four years of my life to which is my college education. 

Nursing school, you have turned my life upside down from the very day I started.  Even now you are disrupting my life. As I should be studying for my second exam right now, I find myself in need of writing something to you before I can focus my studying. I need to thank you for a few things, but I also need to call you out on some things. I am not sure which I should start with. Perhaps the bad. 

Nursing school, I want you to know that I have always wanted a challenge in life. My determined spirit carried me from childhood to my senior year of high school. Because I liked a challenge, I chose you as I entered adulthood. You did not leave me disappointed; you gave me a challenge that will carry throughout life.  What I did not know at the time was how much this path would demand of me. It demands my time, energy, sleep, family, friends, and sometimes my personality. Let me explain. I do not mind it costing me my time, energy, and sleep; however, you have creeped into my life trying to create a different version of me. You really know how to disregard my personality. When I would rather be there for my family and friends 100% of the time, you make sure to consume 90% of my attention. When you go against my personality like this, it really depletes me. You know people mean more to me. It is kind of funny actually because nursing is  about caring for people, yet in the process of learning how to care for people, I am called to push people away at times. You taught me to say "No" when my heart screamed "Yes." I am not sure if I am thankful for that, but I know it had to be said. 

At least you allow me to satisfy my coffee cravings and let me study at coffee shops, right? I mean, it does give me some motivation to study-on. I just do not like when I go on more coffee dates with my books than I go out with my friends or family. It offsets who I am. I also do not like when I spend time working on specific projects that are not graded such as pathos that are of a great length only to have nothing contribute to my grade. No, not even the clinical hours put in count. I learn by doing which means clinicals enhance my learning. I succeed at this. Unfortunately, you try to define who I am according to my exam score. Nursing school, my percentage is far from who I am or what I am capable in achieving in my nursing career or in my life in general. I want you to always know that. 

Now that I called you out on a few things, I want to thank you for some things. You have made me a stronger person through all of these hard circumstances especially when you thought you could define who I was when I missed one of my semesters by two points. Sweetheart, I waited a year to come back to you with even more determination. So, be nice. Not everyone comes back to you.  I promise not to underestimate you if you promise not to underestimate me. Thank you for showing me what hard work looks like. Thank you for helping me mold my "nurse face" on at the moments I need it. You are still in the process of creating the tough nursing skin on me, but make sure it is not completely calloused when the transformation is complete. I will always need to carry a soft heart with me as I care for the sick, or that is the day that I will leave you even after that difficult education because my heart means far more to me than a degree. 

Thank you for teaching me how beautiful yet fragile life is. From the first cry a baby shrills out to the last breath someone exhales, it all puts life into the perspective it needs to be placed. I want to thank you for all of these things. 

My words of affirmations begin because ever since the first day of this last semester, I have been worried, depleted, discouraged, negative, and doubtful. It STOPS HERE because nursing school is about finding the balance and the heart. 

I will study hard. 

I will invest my time, energy, and sleep. 

I will say "no." 

I will not doubt myself. 

I will be a better person because of this discipline. 

I will show up and be all there. 

I will think positive thoughts. 

I will do all things through Christ's strength. 

I will not succeed in my own abilities.

I will pass in His wisdom, understanding, knowledge, and strength.
I will not let the result of nursing school define who I am. 

I will be a nurse who exemplifies compassion. 

In essence, I am a nurse. 

"Now therefore stand and see this great thing, which the Lord will do before your eyes." 

I Samuel 12:16 

Unanswered Prayers

Unanswered Prayers

Jessica Sunday

I did something about a month ago that may or may not have been healthy to do, and I would lean towards the latter. So, what did I do? Well, what does any lady who is curious and has been blocked by their "first love" do? I asked my best friend if she would check his Facebook!  Let's be honest. You would be lying if you never done that before. Now, that was not the wisest thing to do, but it did give me an overwhelming peace of God's faithfulness in my life. Had I disregarded God's voice in my life, I may be down a rough road right now. Only God knows.

I am humbled to think that although there were many times God has shown me red flag after red flag as I so foolishly excused them, that He, in his persistence of me, showed me brand new ones. That is the love I am craving for one day. No, not more red flags, but rather persistence. As God is persistent with me, so will I pray that my future husband is persistent with my heart. Ladies, do not settle for a man who throws up his hands at you when he is upset with you. Date a man who would show up at your doorstep unexpectedly and is willing to inconvenience himself. Look for flags of surrender. 

These thoughts intertwined with a recent friend's post I read about unanswered prayers, so I began meditating on that concept. I even listened to the song "Unanswered Prayers," by Garth Brooks. I can not quite tell you how many pages I filled in my prayer journal with my ex's name written on each page praying that maybe one day I would marry him. I'm not quite sure if I deliberately prayed to God to marry him, but I did put in there if it was "God's will." I cannot remember a time where I thanked God for unanswered prayers, but I know I am now. I was blinded with what I thought was love when in reality very minimal actually reflected God's love. And boy did I say "I love you," because I loved in His love, but when love is not returned, that stings. God is a pure example of initiating love. Instead, I found myself initiating the love. If your relationship looks great in public but is rough in private, take that as a warning sign. 

In essence, your relationship may appear amazing, but test if it is from God day by day. It could be a distraction from what the Lord truly has for your life. If Satan, being "the father of music," could make certain music sound appealing, do you not think he could mask your relationship as well? 

I am not going to say I regret this relationship because in my heart I cared deeply, but I will say that it was not God's will for me. In that, I find my peace because I know He truly has someone beyond my comprehension. If I thought I loved this guy and it was not the one who He truly had for me, how much more will I be able to love the man He does bless me with?  I learned lessons I would have not otherwise learned had it not been for my first breakup. 

Someone once told me, while I was suffering so much with this, that the storm would pass. The tempest blew for quite sometime, but I can honestly say that it has passed.   At the time, I did not think it ever would, but God is so faithful in restoring broken hearts, messed up lives, and tough circumstances. Jesus calmed the waters that were raging in my soul.   May I encourage you today that God offers us unending love as well. No matter how hurt you may be right now or how far you think you have gone from the love of God, He is waiting to embrace you. Wait for the one who is persistent, initiating, and unending in his pursuit of you just as the Lord Jesus was in your life. He is out there in your unanswered prayers. 

" Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, ... " - John 15:16 

The Rut that was Rooted in Bitterness

The Rut that was Rooted in Bitterness

Jessica Sunday 

rut noun

 \ ˈrət \ : "a habit or pattern of behavior that has become dull and unproductive but is hard to change" This is pretty much where I find myself occasionally.  To be quite honest, this is where I have found myself off and on these last few months. I was stuck in something I like to call a "rut." I was never quite certain what this really meant, but I knew it did not feel good. It is a very tough and undesirable place to find yourself. If you have not been here yet, I pray you never are. This place usually consists of loss of desires, apathy, and secluding oneself. Often it means you show up to the responsibilities you are called to, but your heart is far from there. Christians, sometimes this means you enter the sanctuary distancing yourself from people. You anticipate to hear the last 'Amen,' so you can dart out the church doors, find your car, and speed home. Maybe I am the only one who has experienced this, but in our human frailties, I do not think that is the case. So, what this "rut" really was for me was... bitterness.  

It took me until today's morning service for the Word of God to reveal what this "rut" was in my life  Honestly, I had no idea that this poison was overtaking me. Bitterness was so deeply rooted in my life that I was oblivious of its presence. It was choking my joy and desires out as it so easily  quenched my uplifted spirit. It left me robbed, depleted, and cast down. Oh, how this was silently happening! 

Here is the verse that God, in His loving grace, gave to me: " Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled; (Heb. 12:15)"  Notice the beginning of the verse says that man fails grace not that grace fails. See, grace always abounds while we, as humans, fail. I know that is not encouraging to us, but is this not the truth? It goes on to say that it is totally possible for us to struggle with bitterness because of us failing and even defiling others because of the root problem of bitterness. 

The unfailing Word of God could not have been more clearer than it was for me when I was sitting in the very back row this morning. Can I get an 'Amen' that God speaks to the back row sitter! Praise the Lord for that! If you are not sure if your 'rut' is caused by bitterness, here are a few indicators: 

1. You analyze why other people's actions fail short of your expectations.

• How could they do that to me? I would never treat them like that! They must have treated me like this because... They lied to me... 

      2. You fail grace. 

• You fail grace with your health, relationships, family, finances, work, and with individuals who have done you wrong. 

       3. You  struggle with trials. 

• It is possible that your bitterness is hidden in your problems. Examine your reactions toward your trials. Others may mean them for your harm, but God uses your trials for your good.

       4. You defile those around you. 

• Your lack of joy and peace with the presence of an apathetic spirit affects those around you. Have you lashed out to the ones you loved? Examine your root. Have you deceived those around you a.k.a being fake. Examine your root. Have you wounded those that surround you with your words? Examine your root. { I Peter 2: 1} 

In the midst of His sovereignty, sometimes God sees fit for us to endure our difficulties. Looking back, I am thankful for the many times He has diverted my plans for my own protection. He has done this many times because He has planned a better life for me than I have planed for myself. Time and time again He has looked down on my life and wrote MISSION ABORTED all over it because He knew that the way I was going would wreck me. These  are some reasons why it is so important for us to be in tune with His ever so gentle calling upon our lives. I am so glad that He guards my footsteps, makes my paths straight, and sets me on firm ground. God has torn up my root of bitterness today that He has so graciously revealed.  If you are being poisoned by bitterness, let me encourage you to pray that the Lord would restore your soul, forgive the person who has hurt you, the situation that has shook you, or the trial that has cast you down. As you open the Word of God, allow it to illuminate your soul so that you can grow into the flourishing man or woman God has created you to be. 

" Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled; " 

 Hebrews 12:15 

I Fell on My Face in Lack of Grace

I Fell On My Face in Lack of Grace 

Jessica Sunday

The past few months I was taught a hard lesson. 

The more I try to become the woman God wants me to be, the more I realize I will always fall short of who He is. You may be thinking, Ummm... yeah, Jess you are a Christian so you should have already realized this truth at salvation... Why, yes, of course I understood this truth when I got saved, but I am talking about bearing fruit. I have always longed to become like Christ, which of course should be our goal! I want to bear the perfect love, peace, joy, longsuffering, gentleless, goodness, faith.. Yes, basically you could say I want to live up to Galatians 5:22-23; however, a characteristic I want to live up to especially is GRACE! 

C'mon we've all been there. We have either given grace or received grace in one way or another. I have been both the giver and the recipient of  grace. Over the past few months, the more I gave grace, the more I realized I was growing low on my "grace" tank sort-to-say. I realized I could never give grace perfectly. You see, the more I gave, the more I was expecting the other person to see this, and conform to the needs I had. The more I meditated on "grace," the more I realized I had the wrong perspective. You see, Christ never gave His grace to us expecting us to conform. He gave us a freewill. He sought us out and demonstrated His grace because He so loved us (John 3:16).  I realized just because I may have given grace upon grace in my life, soon enough my "grace" ran out. I was depleted of something I wanted to become more like Christ in. I was quickly on my face in the lack of grace I offered. Some may be arguing and reading this in my defense saying I show too much grace. May I softly ask you to stop.  For this was not my intended message. 

Honestly, can someone give too much grace? 

Would you say you regret Christ giving you too much grace? For His grace is perfect. As we become more like Christ, we should reflect who He is. 

Christ's grace never  depletes  or  runs dry. His grace will always remain. We will never measure up to His grace. We are not God. The more we want to reflect the attributes of God, the more we need to fall on our face before a Holy God asking for His almighty strength to bear such grace. It will never be perfect, but it will always be enough to hold our relationships in life together as long as we find our strength in Jesus Christ. 

Here is a reflective poem I wrote as I meditated on this truth: 

"Grace, Petals, and Thorns"

Jessica Sunday 

Grace upon grace

As I fall on my face

So broken am I on bended knee

As this I see -- 

Before me on the ground your petals I see. 

Withered, hurt, and brown. 

I realize now the constant flow 

that came back to me has ceased, 

but in that stillness I find peace. 

Those are the moments of freshness 

renewed. 

Where God- He is God with abounding grace

glued. 

I realize now, His grace is more --

More than I could ever implore. 

On my face I fell in lack of grace.
How despised I felt in this disgrace 

what I wouldn't embrace! 

Short I fell in bearing this fruit 

When all I wanted was to bear His attributes

connected to the Root. 

Realizing now the thorns that fill my heart --

I have had from the start. 

The thorns that we have are the 

same ones Christ wore

As He took upon our sin

for these sin-shamed twins. 

Justified by His blood that flowed from His thorny stems

Dripping with grace

He now sees us as His completed gems. 

We were His pollution, 

but He was our solution. 

Wrapped in grace He can restore us 

to the person we adore. 

I pray this post helps restore the broken relationships you may have with your parents, friends, loved ones, and spouses. Remember, you can never give too much grace or give grace perfectly, but it will always be enough. 

The Traveling Katalinas

The Traveling Katalinas

Jessica Sunday 

What I am about to type gave me goosebumps while the beautiful lady in the bottom photo sitting beside me finished telling me her name. You must be reading that first line thinking , "Really, Jess you have got to be kidding me?" If you are thinking that (as I would be to), please hold on as I share with you the significance of the travelling Katalinas. This requires me to back up roughly three years ago as I had the privilege of meeting the other beautiful woman in the top photo, Katalina. 

Now, the Katalina I met in Nicaragua on my first missions trip I will never forget. Ever since the day I met her, she has held a special place in my heart. One of the days while I was in her neighborhood, I got the chance to invite her to the local church for service. She told me that she suffered from foot problems and that it hurt her to walk to church, yet she was always faithful to church. That testimony she shared with me meant so much to me. I think it meant so much to me because seeing how she could suffer physically yet still made it a priority to nurture herself spiritually, strengthened my faith. So, I took part in introducing her to her first 'selfie' and when I was seated in service that evening guess who came up to sit by me? To no surprise, Katalina sat by me! During song service she shook her maraca, and at the end of service I tied a friendship bracelet around her wrist so that while we may always be miles apart, she will hold me in her heart. I wonder if she still thinks about that moment? Maybe she holds me in her heart as much as I hold her in mine. That would be the only way I could make sense of why I still think about her, right? As you can see, Katalina and I shared some pretty fond memories. And guess what? Despite the language barrier, it was still possible to make these beautiful memories. To be fair, I had a translator, but smiles and hugs are still a universal language everyone can share in. 

Okay, it is time to fast forward to my recent medical missions trip to Peru this past summer. After a long clinic day on Sunday, August 13th, our team attended the evening service in the church we set up clinics in for two days. As I was finding a seat to sit in, I decided to make my way to sit with this sweet lady that is pictured in the bottom photo. Everything about her screamed "Katalina." I really felt as if she resembled the Katalina that I met in Nicaragua. She was older, had physical limitations, yet still was faithful to her God. I mean, there was even a little girl who right in the middle of church service came up to her to give her a big hug! That was precious to see. Already having the thought that she reminded me so much of the friend I made in Nicaragua, I decided to ask her name. 

¿Cómo te llamas?

This question changed everything. As you may have already guessed, she replied that her name was Katalina! I am not sure what my first thought was or even if she spells it the same way I am spelling it, but I know all the hairs that were lying on my skin now were raised in instant shock. To me, this was a really neat testimony how the Lord was working on this trip with me. God of Heaven had me on this trip right then, that month, that date, that church, that town, that country, that seat for this very moment. Some may call this a freak accident or maybe even this sorry word called coincidence people use who have a very small amount of faith or maybe none at all. My friends, I would like to say that this was far from coincidence. This had Jesus written all over it. I do not know about you, but I love when God writes His holy name all over our lives. I serve the God of Heaven who cares about the tiny details of my life, and He cares about the tiny "insignificant" details of our lives. He makes what we or this world call "insignificant" into SIGNIFICANT! Did you catch that? We do not serve an insignificant God so it really is incapable for Him to do insignificant things. He does significant things! God showed me that even though I was a million miles from home that He was right beside me, that He was going to provide for me, that He was going to keep me safe, and that He had me in the palm of His hand. 

Those who are doubting God right now, can I challenge you to surrender your doubt at the foot of the cross? Trust me when I say that the God who formed you can remove your doubt and replace it with faith. If you let Him, He will do a work in your life that only He can do if you trust him wholly. If this testament of what Christ did with me on this past trip does not give you chills and you brush it off as coincidence, I do not know how to reason with you. All I can say is that I am so glad I serve the Lord of Heaven and Earth who showed me how particular He could be in my life. This act of God increased my faith, removed doubt, and gave me a new vigor to trust Him fully with every detail of my life. I pray this testimony is as encouraging to you as it was for me as I continue to share the goodness of God with people I come across in this life. 

"Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off."

Psalm 139:2 

Abundantly Living

Abundantly Living 

Jessica Sunday 

This morning I did my daily routine of brewing a fresh cup of coffee. I am sure most of you have used a Keurig or at least witnessed someone using one. Confession 101 of mine is that I have a mug obsession. So, while I was waiting for my Keurig to warm up, I picked out a small dainty mug of mine that I probably picked up at Goodwill. While I have not always been the best judge of things, I attempted to select a measurement that would be best for my mug. I selected 6 ounces, and when it was finished filling up, there was still a great void of missing coffee. I persisted to select 4 more ounces. That did it! It was literally filled to the very top leaving no room for any more contribution to my coffee addiction. Okay, I am not quite an addict here, but this filled-to-the-brim-cup got me thinking. 

This full cup is exactly what the Lord wants to do with our lives. He wants our lives to be so full of Him that there is no room for the world in all its hurtful lusts and enticing activities to have place in our lives. Have you ever just been so beaten down by the cares of this world that you felt as if your life was running on empty? Has the coffee cup you have been trying to brew for the last few months been running low? I will be the first to admit that I indeed have been there. Can I encourage you that Jesus Christ Himself does not want us there. 

If we allow Him to work in and through our lives, submitting to His plan daily, He will be the "Cup-Filler." Listen, if Jesus could perform the very first miracle and fill up those water pitchers to the brim, He can fill up our lives to the max! John 10:10 says, "... I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." He does not want us living in the beginning of that verse: "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy." He wants our lives to be so full that if He did one more God-ordained thing in your life, your cup would be running over! 

See, the world wants to take the joy of Christ from your life. They want nothing more than for you to take part in their sin, lifestyle, and lusts, but what they do not realize is that when you are fully yielded to God's best for your life, they have absolutely no power to do that. Here are some ways you can be sure you are abundantly living your life: 

1. Praying

2. Reading God's Word 

3. Reflecting 

4. Walking through open doors of opportunities God has ordained

5. Seeking godly counsel 

6. Surrounding yourself with godly friends, Bible studies, and activites

7. Submitting and obeying what the Lord is calling you to do/or not do 

Did you just read this list and think: Really, these are basic things we should all be doing. Yes, they are, but how often do we get caught up in the mundane things of our everyday life and forget the basics. Maybe your basic go-to is not seeking godly counsel or reflecting. These two things have been a recent go-to I have learned and incorporated into my own life. They are not only good for you to do, but I believe they are absolutely essential. I will touch on these in a later blog post. 

Let me encourage you to take the list I have made and line up Biblically why each is so necessary as well as adding to the list something that would push us to living an abundant life. I would be so encouraged to hear your thoughts and reflections with this post. Remember, we are called to abundantly living the life God has given us. So, do not settle for a life half lived. 

"... I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." 

John 10:10 b

Beautifully Broken

Beautifully Broken 

Jessica Sunday 

I look at the title I just gave this blog post, and I am not quite sure myself how something can be beautifully broken. I think it is one of those things where you may be completely broken now and in the process of becoming beautifully broken. If that is the case, I am there right now. This post is going to put my brokenness, vulnerabilities, doubts, fears, cares, and tears smothered on my sleeve. I often think it is better to use one's brokenness for the betterment of someone else. When you share your brokenness sometimes other people's brokenness heals, sometimes perspective is placed back into focus, and often times it acts as a healing for your own soul. 

Recently, I did the hardest thing I was ever asked to do. Usually God tells me I can go on mission trips, or He has me walking through open doors. He does not usually tell me that a door is going to close in my life or even to surrender something to Him. I guess I never really knew how hard it was to obey God when quite honestly, I just did not want to obey Him. I mean, He was crazy! He was asking me to give something in my life over to Him. There you have it. I did not want to obey the One who holds my life in His hands, the One who knows my future, the One who can heal the brokenhearted - I did not want to obey Him. So, for my days of reflecting, prayer, seeking godly counsel, and reading God's Word, I was battling between the flesh and the Spirit - my desires and God's desires - my wants but God's needs for my life - my good but God's greater good. It was messy. I had everything I needed staring in my face to obey God, yet I was in denial and trying to justify why it could continue. Tell me I am not alone in this. 

The short version of this messy journey was that God was asking me to surrender my relationship over to Him. God, why are you asking me to give you my first ever relationship? You know it only took me 22 years to go on my first date. Why are You taking something from me that I would fight over-and-over to have? God, I do not understand! The honest reality was that I allowed myself to stay in denial of what He was asking me to do until I realized the beauty in obeying God. You do not always know God's best for your life even though you would like to believe you do. You do not see the whole portrait of what God has for your life, but He does. Sometimes you see what He wants you to see (like the portrait above). I have to trust that through this brokenness God will make things beautiful. God, I do not understand. I surrendered my relationship, and the man I care about does not even want to be my friend. God, you can take my relationship away, but You knew that the friendship would be broken. So, why, God would you make me suffer like this? You know how much friendships mean to me!  I have to trust that one day God will make a beautiful tapestry of my life and mend together a friendship that I had with this amazing person. 

Can I leave you with this? God may want to stretch you in ways that are uncomfortable and quite honestly in ways that you want to block out His voice. That, my friend, is very dangerous. He may be asking you to surrender something in your life right now. It might be a relationship, a career, a ministry, or that something that you would do anything for not to let go of. When you seek God, He will show you what you need to see, and He may ask you to surrender everything you ever wanted. Are you willing? You are not alone. After this occurs, He will send you confirmation that you have made the right decision. Sometimes it will be slow and other times that confirmation comes fast. In my case, that confirmation came fast. Even though I had confirmation, I began to doubt again. As if that confirmation was not clear, God sent me confirmation through all the Sunday services and special music yesterday. Brokenness is hard, but God is so God. He has plans for our lives that we may not understand now, but He will reveal in His time. Obeying God is not always easy, but it is the safest thing you can do. I believe that I serve a God of restoration, and if He mends this one day, great. If not, He is still good, and that is okay to. A sign of true surrender is when you can say, "Not my will, but thy will be done." It is surrender when you can look into his eyes and say, "I would have never traded this brokenness if that meant you would come to Jesus Christ." It is surrender when you can be fine one day but flooded in your tears the next because surrendering is not easy, but God will see you through. I need to be content with that. 

"He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds."

Psalm 147: 3